In one of my previous posts, I briefly touched upon the concept of ‘safespace’ and its importance. If you remember, the person who claimed, “That’s so gay!” was indeed propagating a homophobic comment in a casual conversation. It is very much possible to do the same with respect to sexism as well, and this what we term as ‘casual sexism’.
If you are not aware of this concept and would like an explanation, then Google it.
Alright, I will make your job easier. Check out these articles [1] and [2] (This is in no way exhaustive. So, feel free to read up more).
We are exposed to casual sexism from a very young age. Some examples are:
Stop crying like a girl. Man up. Stop being a pussy. When are you going to get married, girl? Are you going to waste your time in the kitchen by not going to work with this degree? All men want sex and are horny so how can they be sexually assaulted? Are you man or an ali (a derogatory word to address trans people)?
Notice that casual sexism affects people of all gender identities. These statements in casual conversations can do a lot of damage. However, the examples I just gave you can be seen as an extreme form of casual sexism by some.
What about the following example?
A couple of months back, one of my school friends got a job offer with the location being either Pune or Gurgaon. We were congratulating him on our ‘school friends’ WhatsApp group. The conversation went on and someone remarked that he has settled in life to which he replied that it was only his first job. Another friend, let us call him B, jokes, “Settled with Hindi girls.” A few texts follow on how my friend (who is going to work) can even try a live-in relationship. B jokes saying, “Why live in? He can have so many chicks too!”
Before you roll your eyes and judge person B and other friends part of this conversation, you must realise that you are probably not new to this type of conversation. It happens all the time. When the conversation was taking this turn, I was beginning to get annoyed. Firstly, assuming that places like Pune and Gurgaon equate to easier access to girls is disturbing. This kind of reaction was not there when my other friends were placed. You can argue that maybe they are teasing this friend because of his friendly and extroverted nature. But, for a moment, let us assume that it is the latter and that they would have made the same remark to an extroverted girl about her access to ‘Hindi boys’ who is going to work in Pune/Gurgaon. So, maybe nothing about the conversation could have sexist connotations.
There is another compelling reason as to why the conversation had sexist tones. ‘Chicks’. If you do not know why ‘chick’ is a derogatory term to address women, read this post [3]. If you are not convinced by the arguments posted in that link, then just search for ‘chicks’ and a lot of dictionary websites would mention definitions like:
slang- a young woman. This word is considered offensive by many women. (definition by Cambridge Dictionary)
informal + sometimes offensive : girl, woman (by Merriam-Webester)
Some people refer to women as chicks. This use could cause offence.[informal, disapproval] (by Collins Dictionary)
These are enough proofs as to why one should refrain from using ‘chick’ to address women, especially if you are a man. If your argument is that you have seen women call other women ‘chicks’, then remember that women reclaiming a derogatory term does not give men a license to do the same. You must also note that, not all women reclaim all derogatory terms. I will probably talk about reclaiming terms in another post.
Back to the story.
I was irritated and replied to B’s text asking why he used such derogatory terms. I did not explain why it is derogatory because it is neither my job to educate him and nor did he bother asking for an explanation. If he wanted to know why, he could have Googled it. However, there was no reformatory response and the rest of my friends who read the text were bystanders. My question was answered by a few stickers and gifs of running away and laughing emojis as replies to those stickers.
The story does not end here.
A few weeks later, we had a virtual meet-up. We began having discussions on feminism, sexism, homophobia, and the like. I started pointing out, “As much as we would like to believe that sexism is a faraway problem, it happens every day. It has been perpetuated even amongst our friend circles.” I proceeded to give an example, a very recent, fresh one that has digital proof. (Else, there are chances for people to defend that it was all in my head for construing remarks and light-hearted jokes as offensive ones.)
“For instance, why is it hard to understand that ‘chicks’ is a derogatory word?” There was silence. When I made this statement, if I remember correctly, B was away for a brief time. The topic then diverged and when I had been away later on during the call, I presume someone had mentioned my earlier statement to him. So, when I came back, he chuckled and said, “Swedha, chicks chicks chicks chicks chicks…” I don’t remember the count so let us keep it as 10. I rolled my eyes and had a ‘whatever’ expression. His intention was to see me get triggered again and probably to make a joke out of it. My friends know that I am pretty short-tempered and hence there are so many opportunities to provoke for fun and tease me about it later. Sometimes, it is fun. This time it was not.
Why am I saying all this?
This is because B does not want to acknowledge the safespace that I am trying to create. B does not want to acknowledge that ‘chick’ is a derogatory term even when a woman is saying that she is not okay with the usage. B does not realise that him saying chicks ten times will not make me angry. That is because I already expressed my irritation and if someone is purposefully doing it then what is there to be angry about because they are not going to understand? All that I was asking was to stop using derogatory terms like ‘chicks’, at least in my presence, in the safespace that I would like to establish. (Can they use it in my absence? Well, I cannot control that, can I?)
This is a defensive response when people are called out for a comment that portrays a sexist connotation. Observe that I said, “comment” and not “for being sexist”. I believe that all of us have been conditioned in certain toxic forms of thinking and hence, we might not realise that our actions could be harmful. But, what we do have in control is the ability to understand and change for the better when someone tells us that our action is harmful. People are sexist when they know all of these and yet, refuse to change and continue to discriminate, stereotype and have a prejudice against someone based on their sex.
So, is B sexist? As a friend for nearly five years, I can say that B understands other harmful effects of sexism just like many people who acknowledge certain forms of sexism but not the rest. Then, what about his action? I am truly disappointed. Like I mentioned earlier, he is refusing to understand why ‘chick’ is a derogatory way of addressing women. In other words, I do not know if I should call him sexist because it seems harsh. But, by my previous definition, he is. And so is every single person by the same definition. But, what I can say for sure is that he is not a feminist, not even an ally. If someone partakes in casual sexism without any form of reformation, then they are by no means a feminist if they claim to be one. They are just ignorant.
Would he turn out to be a sexist to a greater degree later in his life? I cannot answer this question because how am I to know and be responsible for that? Although his refusal to acknowledge ‘chicks’ as a derogatory term has no significant consequence or threat to me, this kind of behaviour cannot be dismissed. It still has the potential to turn into something extremely problematic at a larger scale. When we trace back to the roots, such behaviours would be the cause (examples- locker room scandal, Trump). In other words, casual sexism is extremely damaging.
B is not the only one to be blamed. The bystanders are also problematic.
When I said that ‘chicks’ is a derogatory word, not even a single person ‘+1ed’. I have spoken about my displeasure when being addressed as a ‘chick’ one-on-one to at least three people from that group at various points of time prior to that incident. Yet, no one backed me.
Why is this important?
It is important because when you have more people taking action, it lets people know that it is not just this one girl who is so picky about everything. It lets people know that there are more people from the same group who disapprove of such terminologies. Let us analyse why people are bystanders in the first place, even when they know that the usage is wrong.
Simply because it is not easy to call out. It could jeopardise their relationships, career, status, and so on. My counter-argument is that I understand it is difficult to take the lead of ‘calling out’, but it is very much possible to support the person who takes the lead. When we choose to be a bystander, what we are essentially doing is, we are letting sexism to continue to be unchecked and unaccounted for. We are, in subtle ways, contributing to the systemic patriarchal structure. We are being complicit in the patriarchal structure. There is no middle ground. There is no other way about it. I am glad that, at least after I confronted the bystanders, they said that they would do better next time. I am glad that people are taking the effort to understand why it is important to not let casual sexism go unchecked.
What can we do when we face/observe casual sexism?
- Start having conversations with your friends, family, and organisations you are a part of.
- Be there to call out and support those who call out sexist comments or people.
- If it comes to a point where you are not in a position to speak up against sexism and it disturbs you, then leave it- the place, the people, and/or the organisation. There is only so much you can do. Your mental health is important in this battle.
In conclusion, do not tolerate casual sexism in any form. Take the lead or at least be there for the person who is taking the lead. Partaking or being a bystander to casual sexism is dangerous in ways we can never comprehend.
PS:- A lot of my posts are going to be about anecdotes of me encountering sexism. It would involve my friends, family members and so many people. My intention is not to vilify them or shame them. Think of these anecdotes as case studies that are being analysed and read my analysis objectively. You may comment or ping me your views on these topics or share your experiences. You may apply or ponder over these points when similar situations are presented to you.
