To be liked back after three years of looking around, and learning from previous experiences, some bittersweet, some pathetic, is a strange feeling.
While many things that my friends had been “telling me” over the years, there is no “right time”, “right move” or “right strategy”. Despite being liked back, I feel melancholy and grief, unsure of where this stems from. Is it from the uncertainty of whether this person will stay in my life consistently for more than 3 months or from the healing of several scars over the years? I keep wondering. I spent two whole days with you and did not feel anxious. I almost wanted to say I loved you on Sunday but held back because it was too soon. Because, that would seem crazy to you, to me, and to the society that dictates how love must progress.
You have bolted the bar strong while I was struggling to hold the bar where it needs to be when it comes to looking for a partner. I feel scared to lose myself but you reassure me that we will be okay because we understand where we are both coming from. Several other crushes were my antidotes to the poison injected from previous experiences. They healed me but I never found my way towards safety. Friends with “normal cis-het-male” partners gave me a few directions towards that safety. I still lost my way here and there because I was curious. I had to run back to where I had come from because it was not worth the exploration. But, I never felt satisfied with being told to curtail my explorative nature, because curiosity does not kill the cat. Instead, I focussed on building enough protection that will equip me to continue my journey of exploration.
That led me to you. Many friends who were also building their safety, empathized, gave tips, and encouraged me to wear a strong amour. But it gets very sweaty and tiring from having to wear it all the time. When I met you, I could take it off, and be exposed in front of you. And I started admiring my armor and polished it and made it sparkly and shining. I decided to flaunt it to my friends showing them the impact of your presence. I even added decorations because this armor is no longer a symbol of safety, but a show-stopper for people to feel inspired to create their own, not for survival but to thrive.
You will always be special in my life. I will remember you and cherish you. You are a testimonial to never lower the bar for someone else who will fling it back to the ground, worse into the trenches. You do not limit me and my thoughts. You admire me flying high and freely. Thank you, Gui.
